


Meet Me Halfway

by BottledUpWishes



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, also goku hates people messing with his head where the diadem is, and i will fight you on that, i wrote goku angst shocking i know, it's just disgustingly easy to write angst for him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 16:25:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10283060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BottledUpWishes/pseuds/BottledUpWishes
Summary: Betting on who dies first probably wasn't the smartest thing to do in front of Goku.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Music is an incredible thing and if you listen to this with “For Real (Piano)” in the background Satan appears out of the floor and drags you to the depths of hell but if you listen to "Open Up Your Mind" things are significantly less miserable do with that information what you will.

Only weeks passed since the Sanzo Party's fiasco against that 'Raven' freak - Ukoku Sanzo. Physical wounds healed, and the norm of banter and general irritability returned to the party. the experience not yet forgotten, however, still left them on edge. Fair enough, it never ruined or killed their normal habits, but something changed in all of them.

Still, as much as he understands and sympathsies with that, Goku doesn't like it. That freak almost killed him, and he never sensed him to begin with. Being on edge wouldn't help anyone. And they all wander on that edge. Sanzo being the biggest offender, to no one's surprise. But even Gojyo's usual smarmy personality and Hakkai's easy-going smile feel... off.

Not like he's one to talk. He knows something changed in him too, but noticed it from the second he woke up in that shed with Hakkai and Gojyo. He noticed it after the village incident. He noticed every single change he felt, whether he had a name for that change or not. He could summarise most changes. Fear he didn't know. Suffering he didn't know.

But this change in the depth of his chest, he knows isn't supposed to be there.

Something, in everone, changed, not in a bad way, but drastically, whether they like it or not.

The only thing unchanging, right now, has to be the scenery in this bland, bland car ride. Dirt-covered fauna and the dry heat of the sun. Nothing exciting. Nothing notable.

Nothing edible.

“God, I’m so hungry I could eat a person.”

Gojyo side eyes him. “It’s ‘eat a horse’.”

“I don’t care what the sayin' is as I eat something fillin'.”

"Well if you wanna eat a person then at least wait till some jackass tries attacking us again."

"Real food, Gojyo."

Gojyo scoffs. "You are so damn whiny."

Goku nudges him. "I'm starvin' and if you don't lay off I'll shave your hair and fry that to eat!"

"What happened to wanting real food?!" Gojyo shoves back.

Up front, Hakkai laughs and smiles. "Careful Gojyo, you don't wanna risk him going through with his threat."

"He won't."

"You say that, but it is hunger and food he's talking about."

Frowning, Gojyo's posture relaxes. He rests his elbow on the side of Jeep and curls his fist under his chin. "Point made. But I still say there's no way he'll die of starvation."

"And why's that?" Goku scowls. "I'm hungry, Gojyo." Hunger's no joke. It carves at your insides and hurts. Makes you dizzy, too.

Gojyo rolls his eyes, and shoves his entire freakishly large hand on Goku's face. It reeks, smelling of warm beer and cheap cigarettes. And Goku swears on his life he felt the diadem shift a bit under the pressure. "Losing like a third of your weight in blood can't, apparently, actually kill you. There is no way starvation is something to worry about."

Ducking from his hand, Goku adamantly shakes his head. "That's not a fair example!"

"But boy is it a good example, you freakish Monkey."

There's no malice in Gojyo's voice. Just the typical snide remarks Gojyo passes off as jokes and humour. usually, even Goku gives his humour credit.

But this brand gets old.

But before he can retort, Sanzo huffs, and his dismissive sigh shoots both bickering fiends down. Sanzo keeps his arms crossed and eyes closed, not looking back. "If anyone's dying first, it's the idiot too half-assed for a Limiter but too half-assed to be reliable in India."

"Oh haha." Gojyo leans forward. "And what makes the black sheep worldly priest thinks he's got better chances of outlasting me, huh?"

With its signature click, Sanzo lifts the gun to his forehead. "How's this for an answer?"

For once, Gojyo doesn't flinch at the silver death machine. The smirk never leaves his face. As in he's up to something. "I can safely say it won't be me dying sooner than your moody ass."

"Care to make it a bet?"

Of course Hakkai's the one that suggests it.

And Sanzo goes along with him. "The only thing to bet is that the first dumbass to die pays for everyone else's ferry ride to Hell."

Hakkai's smile falters. "I don't think I'm that rich." He notices everyone's surprise, even Sanzo's, cleverly hidden as an open eye in Hakkai's direction. "It's just that if things do get hairier than they already have, I'm in a bad spot with these cuffs." His tone is light. Too light for Goku's liking.

Actually, everyone's tone is too light for his liking.

He risks interrupting. "Can't we change the subject or somethin'?"

"What? It's not like you'd be paying, chimp. Knowing your luck you'll probably be the 'lone survivor'." Gojyo really isn't helping.

"I'm just sayin' that..." He doesn't want to sound sappy about it. He isn't even sure what's bothering him beyond their light tones. "We could talk 'bout somethin' else! Isn't that fine?"

He thinks it should be perfectly fine. And the 'lone survivor' bullshit? Give him a break. He should not have to spell why he wants a change in topic.

"Course it's fine, but now I wanna know what that look on your face is for."

Goku blinks, just now noticing the tension in his mouth and cheeks. Was he scowling? He doesn't know. What he knows is that he's being put on the spot and he can clearly feel Hakkai and Sanzo looking at him.

He just. Dislikes it. That's it.

"Considering your own personal fiasco, that's to be expected."

To Sanzo, that might sound understanidng, but to Goku is just sounds irritating and like he's being egged on and-

Deep breath. They're just joking around. He knows that.

Okay, the deep breath doesn't help. Everything still feels super bad right now. It's wedged its way into bone marrow now and a few deep breaths here can't help.

"You're probably overthinking things," Gojyo says.

"I am not."

Sanzo huffs again. "Not to mention you're not helping yourself by getting all defensive. What's the deal?"

"There is no deal."

"Goku..."

Goku shakes his head. It's like a needle popping a water balloon. “I just don't like it! There's still lotsa' food we haven't ate and places we haen't seen yet!”

Gojyo quirks a brow up. “What are you on about?”

He's overreacting and hes know that but he can't, for the life of him, stop. “Bettin' on who dies first is stupid!” He doesn't want to keep explaining, he wants to stop, but words are pouring out before he even has the time to thinik of what they mean. “What am I s'pposed t'do if I say your names and no one answers?!”

Something flashes through his head. It hits him, hard. A cold, dark place. It's not Mt. Gogyo. But just as isolated and empty. Not even the sun reaches it. He puts a hand to his forehead as if it will keep the image in place long enough for him to make sense of it, but it disappears as soon as it came, and his eyes focus back on the sunrise they drive away from.

Jeep slows to a stop, and Goku just now notices Gojyo's scarlet eyes fixated on him, devoid of the usual mischief. He lowers the cigar in his hand. "You haven't talked like that since we first met you.”

The attention on him is far from desired. He scraches his head with a groan. “I dunno it just... slipped out.” It's not like he ever stopped thinking that from time to time anyway. He got used to the idea that people not in front of you eventually return. But when that's combined with all the crazy shit they've gotten into, and how the journey morphed from just a field trip to him to... whatever the hell this is, shit just got real. They've seen people die and they've nearly died as well.

And when he acknowledges that, he immediately thinks of that incident. With whatever the hell he's supposed to be, it's a walk in the park to be on the brink of death with cuts in and out of your body, but... for the other three, it's a different story.

What the hell would've happened if he hadn't been the one attacked that night, anway?

Ugh, they'd flip their shit if they could read his mind. He slumps, his head rolling back so far he can see the sunrise upside down. God, forget hungry, he's exhausted.

But his mouth just insists on talking.

“It's just...” He squints at the sunrise. “I waited too long in some stupid cave to be able to meet you guys for us to screw around talkin' about who'll die first or last. Even if it's just jokin' around it just... makes me feel bad. I don't wanna die. But I don't wanna be the one who makes it the longest neither. I don't want any of us to die. There're still places and foods we haven't seen n' ate yet.” And no matter how good the meal, eating alone isn't any fun.

Goku stared at his hands, as if the lines would make sense of his thoughts. Instead everything keeps repeating itself. Ukoku nearly killed him without batting a lash. If that had been Sanzo or the others…

What would I do?

“I… Waited too long to meet you guys to bet who’ll die first or last.”

He doesn’t know where that came from, but even under the group’s scrutiny, he doesn’t take it back. It sums up his fears well enough.

Gojyo lowers his cigar and crushes it. “Goddamn… Where’d that come from?” The mocking spark in his crimson eyes is long gone, and there’s no snide remark following up the question, which somehow makes things worse, Goku thinks.

He’s not a smart person. He knows that. Every step and breath he takes is pure instinct. He’s living at every second in that very second, and leaves the redt in the dust as soon as they pass.

“I’m… Glad I have people who respond. I… Don’t want to look behind and not see anyone.”

It doesn't make sense. Every so often he’ll hear Hakkai’s laugh a little differently, or see Gojyo’s eyes light up a little odd, or see the light around Sanzo burn a different shade of gold, but all those differences he still knee and recognised.

…ugh.

His chest hurt.

Up front, Hakkai sighs, leaning back in his seat. “That incident must've really shook you up.”

He's not saying it like an actual remark or question. It's more like to give Goku a free excuse or reason for saying things he normally wouldn't. In other words: an easy way for him to drop the conversation before he said anything weirder. He takes that chance in a heartbeat and nods.

“Guess so.”

Leaves rustle in the wind and over Jeep, but for a split second, they don't look like leaves. Goku isn't sure what they look like, the second happens so fast. He just knows that, for a second, what scattered out over them weren't leaves.

“I'm glad I...”

He trails off, but Hakkai and Gojyo hear him just fine.

“Glad you what?”

“Goku?”

Sanzo says nothing, just looks back with those sharp violet eyes.

Without the slightest idea, Goku shakes his head. “Guess I forgot what I was gonna say?” Great, now it's gonna bother him the rest of the ride.

As predicted, much of the ride continues with him still trying to remember, and to make matters worse, it's eerily silent in Jeep. Why is that? He knows said some weird shit, but ultimately he didn't say anything wrong, did he? No, he's sure he didn't. He's not the smartest person but he knows damn well he's not one to say anything to hit one of the three too deep.

So why the hell are they so quiet? It's awkward.

His leg starts shaking, irritated both by no remembering what he meant to say and by how quiet things are.

Someone say somethin'.

When he thinks they aren't paying attention, he casts them glances to get a read on their mood. Hakkai seems amicable as usual, and Gojyo's off phasing out. Sanzo remains stoic. No one seems pissed, at least. But still.

C'mon, stop actin' weird already.

“Would you quit that you monkey?” Gojyo slams his leg down on Goku's, forcing it still.

“Oh so now you talk!”

“Whaddya saying?”

“You guy'sre bein' too quiet!”

“Yeah well no one feels like holding your hand when you're haivng a meltdown!”

Goku grits his teeth. He is not having a meltdown. An off day? Absolutely. But not a meltdown. But now he's starting to boil.

“Y'know it's time like these I really gotta question bein' so glad I met you guys!”

You know sometimes you should assume that forgetting what ou were gonna say was a subconscious self-defence mechanism against firsthand embarassment. Goku pales the second he blurts it out, and the silence returns paired by a really, really stupid look on Gojyo's face.

And that's saying something. Goku can hear the wind and leaves fluttering and they're all wishing him the best of luck to get himself out of this self-imposed mess.

Soon he gives up trying to think of something clever, and sits down turned away from everyone as much possible. “Forget I said that! Change of subject!”

“You know damn well you can't really weasel your way outta that, Monkey.”

“Watch me.”

“Shortest short film of my life.”

Without looking, Goku kicks the man's side.

Gojyo nudges him, and the fire returns to his eyes. “So, 'glad to have met you guys', huh?”

Goddammit. Goku nudges him back, harder, ignoring his question.

Smug laughter. “Nuh. Uh. There's no taking it back now.”

“Like you really want someone to enter sap mode.”

Gojyo shrugs. “Not exactly, but it's not like no one feels differently from you.”

He sound deceptively perceptive and genuine. Yet, watching the sky zoom by in endless blue, Goku responds whether he wants to or not. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Gojyo lights another cigar. “Without you I'd have to be the group dumbass.”

Goku's focus on the sky fades away, and he shoots up in Jeep, already tugging at Gojyo's hair. “Dammit Gojyo!” He's stopping on his foot. “The one time I think you're gonna actually say somethin' normal!”

“This is normal, Monkey!” He butts his head against Goku's. “You're the one spewing weird shit!”

“I am not!”

The only thing that disrupts the banter is a laugh from Hakkai. He doesn't look back to them, his eyes glued to the road, but Goku knows his attention is on him. “Well, I guess I feel the same way.” He points at his left eye. “If I hadn't met you I'd be completely blind right now, Goku.”

Goku can't tell if he's joking or not, and the confusion lessens his grip on Gojyo. Even if the two are being honest, it's not honesty he's used to. And, god, to make matters worse, this whole thing started because of him. What happened to the whole 'change the topic'?

Shooting Sanzo another smarmy grin, Gojyo leans over, tapping Sanzo's shoulder. “Well, Priest Sanzo?”

The man only closes his eye. “'Well' what?”

“Aw, c'mon.” He jabs his thumb at Goku. “Hakkai n' I already gave our regards.”

“So I heard.”

Sanzo scoffs, and tossing the empty cigar packet at Gojyo. “You never fail to buy the wrong pack for me when you're allowed to go shopping. And Hakkai skimps out. And you-” He casts a sharp violet gaze at Goku. “For some godforsaken reason buy more than I can even carry.”

He never fails to avoid answering questions he doesn't want to answer. He turns back around, arms crossed, and sighs when Jeep comes to a stop in front of an inn. Gojyo's the first out, and then Hakkai. Goku lingers, his thoughts still in disarray against his stomach, but he sees Sanzo pause when the man moves to the inn's door.

“Goku.”

“Huh?”

Sanzo pulls the gold card out. “Go get me some cigs.”


End file.
